When peace, like a river, attendeth my way, When sorrows like sea billows roll; Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say, It is well, it is well, with my soul.
Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come, Let this blessed assurance control, That Christ has regarded my helpless estate, And hath shed His own blood for my soul.
My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought! My sin, not in part but the whole, Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more, Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!
And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight, The clouds be rolled back as a scroll; The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend, Even so, it is well with my soul.
It is well, with my soul, It is well, with my soul, It is well, it is well, with my soul.
What to say Lord? It's You who gave me life and I Can't explain just how Much You mean to me now that You have saved me Lord I give all that I am to You That everyday I can Be a light that shines Your name
Everyday Lord I'll Learn to stand upon Your word And I pray that I That I might come to know You more That You would guide me In every single step I take That everyday I can Be Your light unto the world
Everyday, It's You I'll live for Everyday, I'll follow after You Everyday, I'll walk with You my Lord
It's You I live for everyday It's You I live for everyday It's You I live for everyday
A Hymn I've loved, but never really understood, since I first heard it some many years ago and a song that I sing from the depths of my heart. It meant so much to have sung it for offertory on Youth Sunday and having this come to be so real in my life. EVERYDAY! (: PRAISEPRAISEPRAISE.
There is something wrong with the very technology to work right now. I could've been in bed eons ago, could've. So instead I sit here and wait for the file to transfer over. I think I'll just leave this on and Go To Bed when I'm done typing. For now, thoughts.
I'm almost finding it impossible to capture my thoughts effectively, let's just leave out the circumstances of the week. Journaling is failing me, rather my attempts at it are failing. My notebooks can't keep up with my thought processes. The little one I bought to carry around, lies abandoned in my drawer. The hassle of transferring it from bag to bag left it in its current state. My main journal still thrives, trick is I use it for Quiet Time but what I write there is dwindling. Its tiring to write everything in your head down. It seems my thoughts are escaping my pen.
Have to go. Silly book. Silly photos. Silly adm'strtn. Silly me. Another late night. Lord I'm ready to give up, just tell me what you want me to do. I'll do it, no matter what the cost.
I have a terrible week ahead. Choices to make, people to let down, my own expectations to leave unfulfilled. I know what I have to do, its not easy. There's just so much ahead. The last hour and a half itself has been trying. Perhaps its the delicate close-to-cracking state I am in that made it trying, like a bridge close to overloading, the slightest weight will cause greater cracks. Here I stand at the threshold of a pivotal week.
Luke 12:20-21 But God said to him, ' You fool! This very night your life will be demanded from you. Then who will get what you have prepared for yourself?' This is how it will be with anyone who stores things up for himself but is not rich toward God.
Kaleo is my priority this week. Then cometh Council. I think my EE just took last place. Screw touch.
In the midst of my torment, family members gather downstairs. It pains my heart that I have a guidebook to retouch, a design to reconfigure, a EE lain in abandon by my side that demands my attention, rendering me unable to be with them. Then a little burst of yellow, with two springy fountains of hair at each side of her head, barely two, runs into my arms and lightens up my day.
In 1 and a half hours, I was in dire need, I was ready to crack give up and cry. I did to some extent. But I knew God would provide, and he did. He solved (and continues to solve) my problems, the ridiculous fixes I get myself in and uses the littlest but sweetest measures to remind me He loves me.
God is too good to me (: The past few days, weeks have been rather awful. It all caught up with me the past few days. Like an avalanche finally hitting you. So far, I've recovered by the grace of God. He heard me and saved me.
Psalms 18:6 In my distress I called to the Lord; I cried to my God for help. From his temple he heard my voice; my cry came before him, into his ears.
I went to bed last night with only one thought - God loves me. Those three words mean so much. He loves me, I have nothing to fear because He will provide. He provides the best for my life, always and forever. I could go on! God is good, in His arms I rest.
Oh and thank God for Elvis Costello. The tune's good enough for me (:
Everytime I hear about changes, I feel like bursting into song. "I was boooorn by the riiivaaah!" 'course, fortunately for everyone, I lack the guts.
Our dear Mee Pok uncle's passing warrants a mention.
When I was 6, I heard all about him. Mama remembers him as a boy, helping his father. Mum can't forget the chilli. When I was 7, I had my first bowl. 50 cents. I loved the orange fishcake. I wondered how high that fishball could bounce and why we clanged coins into a tin. When I was 9, I was addicted to rou. "Uncle, rou tang!" At 10, I discovered mee kia and additional rou. "Uncle, wu mao mee kia, bu yao la jiao, bu yao chu, jia wu mao rou." By 15, "Uncle, qi mao mee kia, jia tang, jia wu mao rou."
2 things that SC was remembered by, for as long as I could remember, have gone this year. Miss Heng, Uncle. Still I say, Glad that I live am I.
Change gonna come. Gotta get my hands on the Sam Cooke versh.
There been times that I thought I couldn't last for long But now I think I'm able to carry on It's been a long, a long time coming But I know a change gonna come, oh yes it will
Clearing my room, I unearthed a mountain of dust and many scraps of papers. Some read "Final Year Examinations 2006", others "your point?" and rantings I forgot I penned. Here's one, its unique cos I forgot what inspired it and when I wrote it. When I read it today, one eyebrow shot up.
Have you ridden the rollercoaster? Have you sat, and known that breeze and speed, like flight, would give such a high and constant suspicion of falling.
I should scribble and stuff papers in my room more often.
The sky's been glorious today. Y'know - blue skies smiling at me, nothing but blue skies do I see? YUP
On days like these, where I don't have anything on - no meetings, no lunches, no dinners or breakfasts.. I find myself miss being in class. The absurdity, revelry and laughter that resounds in that damaged (and somewhat damned) clinical-looking room. I find myself wanting to have meetings or some sort of reason to meet my friends again, even if this is at the expense of time that could be well-spent doing EE or TOK (whichijollywellshouldbedoing!) or finishing up church camp plans or some council proposal. We go to school to party and play, back home we study. So in that sense, holidays are a banishment. For this holidays I guess. I had a dream that all my work would be done by November. What a lie, what a lie.
I direly desire a gathering of some sort. Hurry before I forget what Yao Wen's "what the hell man" sounds like!
Alright, this entry was typed out in the spirit of putting-off filing my amassed mess of notes and worksheets pre-finals.
They've been married for 20 years. Thinking about it now, the figure astounds me (considering how much time they had before that) and considering its reality. I've been around for a good 17 of that 20. I don't think I'll ever understand how its possible, but I guess they show me it is. There's nothing more that I want to inherit from my mother than her heart. Even just a fragment, I'd be so blessed. From my dad? I've got too much of his genes already. We're all not perfect, but everything (in the hands of the Lord) is (: If anything, I learnt this year, that would be it - God is perfect, my life in Him, is perfect. The future is not mine to behold. I must do nothing but follow. Well, a tribute to 20 years back. Riches I heed not, nor man's empty praise, Thou mine inheritance, now and always: Thou and Thou only, first in my heart, High King of heaven, my Treasure Thou art
I understand.
I dream of having a Christmas with these two and a few additions this year. Its bliss to spend Christmas with the people you love the most. I know I'll see my family, the little ones.. Of all, I don't know when I'll see Hest again. I can't remember what we did last Christmas when she was here. I don't know how long I'll have with her when I see her next. The funny one in glasses, I'll see you after your Os (: The other day, I wished in my heart to have all the people who mean the most to me, at the same place at the same time. I know that sounds absolutely self-centred. I guess it is. But the thought of a house-filled with a certain warmth and love is rather wonderful isn't it? Guess it'll never happen, these kinda things always implode in your face. Yup.
Its empowering to no longer rely on stock photography. Thinking back on the days when Getty was an obscure source and I'd credit the very lame early blends I did to "Getty".. I'm happy with my own camera(albeit normal and nothing compared to a DSLR *sighs wistfully*) and playing around with my pseudo-artistic pictures. One thing remains constant, Photoshop I love you!
Ok this has consumed my afternoon/evening, well that and my very long nap. Now, time for telly or filing. Hmmm..
i recognise such pangs, i've felt it thus before. t'was not long ago, not very far from here. please, tell me where this place is or should i go?
now i am out of words.
it used to be hard to see lives move on without you, it used to be. but now i know where you all are, at least i know where the ones who matter are. i know you'll always be right here with me.
dan asked what I wanted for my christmas/birthday present (I used to not like those aunties and uncles who'd cut cost and give me one present and say its for both occasions. its not that they're cheapos, its just that they don't care! lol.). I thought about her question a while I answered her "all I want for Christmas is you", just to appease her (haha dan, don't kill me when you return!). Honestly, I've given up on the hope of my own birthday and presents. I think I've stated this times before. I guess I want my friends. I want Hester in a big blue box with a ribbon, haha the box itself for her size would be so expensive! I won't get what I want, so all I want are my friends. That's more than enough, God's really given me more than enough (not even for my birhday!). I just don't want a birthday that sucks, I don't want to cry on my birthday again and I don't want to feel all alone.
So screw the cake, balloons, decorations, songs or failed-surprises. All I want my friends, is you. The ones who actually care, who know me and let me be the screwed up me that I cannot help but be. You know who you are (:
on a lighter note, my littlest cousin is the luckiest girl in the world. She has two big brothers who adore her so. I'm going to have my way and she's going to follow in my tomboy-sneakered footsteps. Yes, with real brothers. Let her dress fool you not, she's got the heart to rough and tumble. Always wanted a brother too, lucky girl. anyway, that must be the sweetest picture of the year. I think my family lacks boys. I get all the boy-chores: carry groceries, carry luggage, open and close the broken gate, etc. OH GO GET A SON ALREADY.
right, i WILL stop procrastinating already. oh, fine a song for the road.
I hate this feeling, I hate feeling like this. I hate this pain. The physical pain, knowing that I'm unfit and haven't been training. The pain of sitting by and not being able to do anything. The pain of guilt, of being constantly weak, looking at them like it's betrayal.
For a person of my years, I have one of the most worn-out/battered bodies around. Well at least my feet are. So many times I find myself frustrated with my situation, each time I realise that I am but a finite being, that I will fade away in a split second and I remember the eternal, God.
We are a moment, you are forever You are the love song we'll sing forever.
"You don't know me, you don't even care" she said, " you don't know me, you don't wear my chains."
I wish you bluebirds in the spring, to give your heart a song to sing.
We are like sheep without a shepherd We don't know how to be alone So we wander 'round this desert And wind up following the wrong gods home But the flock cries out for another And they keep answering that bell And one more starry-eyed messiah Meets a violent farewell- Learn to be still
Now the flowers in your garden They don't smell so sweet Maybe you've forgotten The heaven lying at your feet (and that's the Eagles talking. Says something about faith and music - you just can't keep it in.)
I may not be a music-maker but I sure am a sucker for a good tune and lyrics that speak louder.
This to show my support for a friend, Bacon Lettuce and Tomato. Lol. Well, kudos to him for another entertaining, blasting and exciting film! Its marvelous to watch it especially after seeing, from the sidelines, all the preparation (the pig-sty of a class created by his cast, which I had to clean up *COUGHCOUGH BLT COUGHCOUGH*, to the 'agonising' over the script in class and getting location etc.) A job very well done.
Now for some constructive criticism. BLT needs to learn how to work with actresses. Eg, a smaller tape perhaps?! Hahahaha. I think the day BLT's film features a female protagonist (no, not charlie's angels! more like aeon flux or some seriously cool action flick or one where the girl doesnt just die, like in Blinded) will be a definitive moment in BLT's film-making career.
Ok that came out rather feministic. Hmm.
In response to my dear jules' comments, "AWWW thanks (:" I'm still learning how to accept/respond to compliments. lol.
With the school year ending in my new school, I find myself back in my old school the day after to usher out the Grand Dame. Interestingly, this trip back to the Sacred Home of Kimgeks, saw no return of any past emotion I harboured. No fears for the future, no sadness and resignment to the changes made. None of that, I didn't think about it and it never came to me. If it did, I'd be the first in tears. I'm just glad that our seniors didn't get to see the horrors of what is to be, what is lost. Perhaps after a certain point, you become disorientated with all you know - forgetting what things were like.
That school means so much more to me that I'll ever know. For all I am, all I've become, its crafted me. Truly, Glad that I live am I.
Its startling. To find yourself, back where you started from. Realising that this is what you're meant to be and its all good. Back in SC. Back to running around, setting up stuff, humiliating yourself for no reason. I guess I'm cursed to have prefect-instinct embedded within me. Glad to be back, though amongst the faces, those faces. But glad for great friends (: Not glad to have yuelin/jules/lyn/anybody else stare at me, ah this calls for a new paragraph.
I cannot get over how people now actually look at me and actually have something positive to say about my looks. For one, my looks matter not to me. They never have. For example, I have only started combing my hair recently because my hair is longer and it actually matters when its tangled. Purely necessary. Its rather disturbing when the people you've known for so long stare you in the face and the "p" word comes out or God forbid, the "b" word. I'm the same person I've always been (ok hopefully, the person inside is better as well). Its pretty darned strange.
Ok that was less than a paragraph. I'm not a fully-functional being right now, (i'll forever remember the day Jules coined that term last year) all words and ideas that escape me at this point, fail to see completion.
down from the stage, without speakers, it marvels me. I know what matters.
Her hands, pierced to bleed not too delicate, or soft but rougher than ever known. Should she come to confess, Could they then not believe? She was never tough enough. Blame it on the blurry eyes Blame, its all bleary. It doesn't really matter, She cannot see beyond this.
In contrast, this morning was great (: Tuition got cancelled, I was online and listening to the wonderful CDmix that dear nicky burnt for me. THANKS!
I like things fresh. A fresh page on a notebook, a fresh notebook - just waiting and pleading to be filled. Look at it and wonder what will be written, what will you take it through. Will the excess ink from your marker seep right through the pages? Will your doodles be meaningful and beautiful? Or just scribbles you'd wish to forget. I like my freshly printed year book. Thumbing through the pages, recognising who wrote what, remembering the pain, the toil and the gladness of it all. Realising how much you took advantage of your final year, to go out with a bang, even if it was unwittingly so. Remembering.. Yuelin's right, she must've been mad! We must have been mad. Never before have I looked through a school mag, all my 10 years there, had I such rich memories of almost every page that I flipped. School mags are usually a display of prominence. If you appear alot, you're probably some over-achiever. No offence Yuelin, haha. But this year, or rather last year's, I truly felt like I had been through every page of it. We were at each event, somehow we made it. A year on, it still amazes me. God is so good.
There's no song more haunting than "My Immortal". The distinctive introduction's enough to freeze life for a split-second - stop, auto-rewind. There's no words to say but the lyrics, one may say its "angsty/emo". I say, you'll never believe its real, till you've experienced it. Haubs, its not hard to recall everything, every detail every emotion. To think about it still hurts, I think about it less often now. It hurts less. God heals, His plan fulfilled. Can't wait to see you again Haubs.
"My Immortal"
I'm so tired of being here Suppressed by all my childish fears And if you have to leave I wish that you would just leave 'Cause your presence still lingers here And it won't leave me alone
These wounds won't seem to heal This pain is just too real There's just too much that time cannot erase
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears And I held your hand through all of these years But you still have All of me
I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone But though you're still with me I've been alone all along
There's actually more that I wrote about today and such, but the genius that designed this keyboard decided to stragetically place the "back page" button right by the enter/shift buttons. Hence, words released are now lost in space. NYERH. P.S: Thanks to everyone for commenting! Never before have so many commented. Friends - miss so many of you loads. Passer-bys - I'm honoured. Please leave your name, I'd love to know who are (: God bless. We are attracted to something that is beautiful Something is beautiful because we are attracted to it. - my two cents worth.
I sat through today contemplating the motivations of individuals to speak out. Some individuals are truly convinced that the incessant amount of noise that they produce is for the Greater Good. What they say is all fodder with no purpose, intent on being heard and making their mark. Then are those who are worth listening to. Who speak to breathe life into their thoughts, setting them free into reality and letting the idea float into space. Contributing its possiblity , for you to consider, digest and respond . Its rather obvious which are the sincerely inquisitive ones and which ones speak for the sake of noise-making.
I'm very amused at the number of comments my latest entry acquired. Hence, I shall use this as a platform to broadcast to my new-found audience a topic which is very close to my heart and heavily burdens me. Haze. I haze you, you haze me. Let's gang up and throw water-bombs!!!!!
The values imparted and promoted by MTV are absolutely disgusting and should be condemned. Pimp My Ride is entirely harmless and fun to watch but it's absolutely appalling to see the increasing number of programmes that encourage youths to be something they're not. There's a modern-fantasy created by shows like Laguna and The Hills that documents the rich, young and American way of life. Portraying a lifestyle as one to be desired as viable, only serves to create unrealistic impressions of life and expectations amongst youths the world over. I shall avoid going into the American stereotypes portrayed on TV nowadays and go straight into what was so disgusting on TV yesterday.
The show "Made" helps American teens to be 'made' into something they've always wanted to be, help them fulfill their dreams and what not. Previously, it was interesting to see a 'nerd' be put through the rigours of physical conditioning and such to become a cheerleader or a somewhat unfit guy train to get into the basketball team. But none was as quite like this - a Tom-boy be 'Made' into a 'Girly Girl'.
For those who know me well enough, you probably could already detect the personal vendetta.
A girl who plays sports and an utter tomboy, lack self-confidence desires to be made into a 'girly girl' in order to get her dream prom date. The show boosted her self-esteem by helping her in confidence and how she carried herself, changed her image. Without a doubt it had helped her positively in terms of her self-image and confidence, however what was disturbing was what came afterwards.
To get her dream prom date, she had to learn "how to talk to boys". Her team mate was telling her to exert her feminity more and "be more flirty" when talking to boys. From talking to boys randomly, she made a friend with a geniunely nice guy whom we shall dub boy A. Further on, the programme put her in make-up, a skirt, feminine top and sent her off to school. Undeniably, she turned heads and caught the eye of a popular, baseball-playing boy whom she had a crush on and thought to be 'hot'. He'll be called boy B.
Boy A asked her to go to prom with him, to which she immediately. However after that, Boy B asked her out on a date and she decided she'd rather go to prom with him because he's "perfect". Right. So she ditches Boy A, because he's just a friend and asks Boy B. Everyone encouraged her to make this decision and towards the end of the programme the emphasis placed on how she's a "girly girl" now was astoundingly disgusting.
How can it be encouraged for someone to be something they're not? Even more so, how can you turn them into a, excuse my french, bitch? I can't believe that this girl was encouraged to go with the boy who only noticed her after she was completely changed.
I have to admit this personally disgusted me very much. I am a self-confessed tomboy, as I type this I have one leg on the chair. I wouldNOT change myself for the world, let alone a member of the opposite sex. If I am to change it will be of my own accord, not for anyone else. I accept the way I am in terms of how I look, how I walk, how I chose to dress (or not wear a dress) etc. I firmly believe that no matter what you are like, tomboy or not, if you are not true to who you are, you will never find someone who loves you for who you are (or despite of who you are).
True beauty is not whether you wear a skirt or carry a handbag not anything about looks. Everyone is beautiful, to be beautiful one must be 'ugly' at the same time, because beauty is relative and only when you've been ugly can you truly be beautiful. This goes for the inside too.
Ok its exhausting writing like this, but well there you go. There's more but, what the heck.
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flyhalf's journal
